Strangely, “Tales from the Crypt” has always been associated with Christmas. The fine maniacs at EC Comics told many grim and gruesome stories, though few have endured more than “And All Through the House” from Vault of Horror #35. Since its publication in 1954, this stocking-shocker has been scaring the Dickens out of the naughty and nice alike with its depiction of a slasher Santa. “Silent Night, Deadly Night” (1984) may have stirred up controversy, but the concept of a sick St. Nick in horror begins here. It was reprinted several times and served as the opening story for both major adaptations of the EC Comics (the Amicus movie and the HBO series). Without a doubt, “And All Through the House” is a seminal work in horror, and its gruesome punchline (“Santa Claus is here! I let him in!”) still gets a sinister grin from me.
Believe it or not, that wasn’t the last time EC or its adaptations celebrated the GHOUL-tide season. Perhaps another year, I’ll tackle the other festive fear comics they published. (“A Sock for Christmas” is especially grisly.) But for this horror-day season, we are going to enjoy some melodious carols from America’s sweetheart, The Cryptkeeper. HBO’s “Tales from the Crypt” debuted in 1989, and its retch-worthy interpretation of EC’s Cryptkeeper was a bona fide sensation. By 1994, the pun-spouting spookster was just about everywhere: ads, cartoons, game shows, and things too weird to describe. Among these was (you guessed it) a full-length album of Christmas songs sung by the great creep himself. That album was that all-time clas-SICK of morbid merriment, “Tales from the Crypt: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas.”
Folks, I listened to this album several times during the Holiday Season. If you asked me to sing every song in its entirety, I could probably oblige. “Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas” is part of my DNA at this point, and I still can’t believe it exists. It would be difficult for me to classify it as “good” by any conventional measure. After all, this is a corny novelty record of Christmas carols sung by an animatronic corpse puppet. “Elvis’ Christmas Album,” this ain’t. But man, do I love the heck out of it! To some of you out there, this will be the single worst Christmas album you’ve ever heard. To those with a heart of gold and a pure soul, this will change your life for the better.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much info about “Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas.” The visionary who dreamed up this record will forever be unknown to us. However, we do know that John Kassir has always voiced the Cryptkeeper. No studio impressionist here. You have the real-deal Cryptkeeper singing the hits. To promote the album, Ol’ Crypty celebrated the season in the introduction to the “Tales…” episode, “The Pit.” In case you were wondering, the rest of the episode has nothing to do with Christmas.
In true “Tales from the Crypt” fashion, the album opens with an introduction from the Cryptkeeper, complete with the puns we so desperately crave. Track #1 is “Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie,” a parody of “Deck the Halls” about decorating with body parts. Next is Juggle Bills, a “Jingle Bells” spoof about the financial woes of Santa Claus and the morbid consequences. I did consider describing the rest of the tracks here, but I want to leave a few surprises. As you probably figured, most of these are traditional Christmas songs twisted to fit the Cryptkeeper’s macabre sensibility. We have Christmas cards from famous serial killers, embalmers embalming live families, monsters demanding goodies from Santa, and rotting bodies spoiling the holiday mood. Even New Year’s Eve gets represented with a little ditty about a swinging party where all the guests are famous… and dead. As someone who listens to at least one Dr. Demento Christmas show every December, this album is pure bliss.
Within the first few minutes, you’ll discover whether or not this album is for you. Crypty belts out a beloved holiday tune and changes the lyrics like an undead “Weird Al” Yankovic. Most of these songs follow that formula, and I personally couldn’t ask for anything more. That said, two tracks are rather unique. One is “Christmas Rap,” which is dumb fun. Horror icons like Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees are mentioned here, mainly because the Cryptkeeper is a notorious name-dropper. The other notable song is the titular track. Our vile vocalist actually sings the correct lyrics; it’s everything around him that’s wrong. What I love about this one is that it’s essentially a “Tales…” audio play, complete with a twist. While not exact, it almost feels like a retelling of “And All Through the House.”
“Tales from the Crypt: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas” is one of a kind. It’s the finest Christmas album sung by a zombie puppet. Scary holiday songs are rare, and this album is loaded with ’em. In my household, this bizarre little record is a cherished Christmas tradition. I recommend that all horror fans listen to this album at least once. SCARY Christmas to all and to all a good FRIGHT!
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