Good Lord! CHOKE After what felt like eons, “Tales from the Crypt” is finally available for streaming. Based on the venerably vile comics from EC, HBO’s anthology series was a cultural juggernaut in the 1990s. Alas, due to a myriad of legal issues, the show remained (legally) unavailable until premium streaming service Shudder began hosting it a few months ago. Though Shudder offers fine shows such as “The Last Drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs” and others, I’m sure “Tales…” made its way to the ad-supported platform Tubi within the last few days. Now all 7 seasons are available for all to enjoy for free, and there was much rejoicing.
In my humble opinion, “Tales from the Crypt” is the greatest horror anthology series of all time. “The Twilight Zone” may be better overall (though both are dear to me). Still, the Rod Serling classic is only about 35% horror, featuring a variety of stories that cover just about every genre of fantastic fiction. Sticking with the subject of Serling, “Night Gallery” is superb, yet it lacks the consistency of “Tales from the Crypt.” Even the worst episode of “Tales…” delivers blood, monsters, sex, gross-out gags, or all of the above. “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” had too many dry blackmail episodes, and “Black Mirror” is a little highfalutin for my liking. For pure, nasty fun, “Tales…” can’t be beat.
Truthfully, there’s enough meat on this show to support 100 articles. After all, it’s a big-budget schlock fest that features A-list celebrities, has lasted for nearly a decade, and has spawned a million offshoots, one of which is a children’s cartoon. That it even exists at all is a miracle. I could talk about the Cryptkeeper, the Elvis of pun-happy animatronic corpses. A compare-and-contrast examination of the show and the comics it adapted could be worthwhile. But in the interest of time and my sanity, I believe I’ll stick to a list of my top ten favorite episodes.
As always, this is strictly based on my own opinion. “Tales from the Crypt” is an anthology and caters to many different tastes. Your favorites will likely differ from my own. For those of you who have never seen the show, I truly believe these are the ones worth starting with. A good Tale can be funny, scary, gruesome, or often all of the above. Every episode here represents what I believe to be the essence of the show: twisted yelp-yarns told the EC way. And now, without any further A-BOO… (That one’s for you, Cryptkeeper.)
- “And All Through the House” (Based on The Vault of Horror #35)
Ho Ho Horror! This Christmas classic is perhaps the most iconic story in the entire EC library, having previously been adapted in 1972’s “Tales from the Crypt” for Amicus. Long before “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and “Santa’s Slay,” the fine freaks at EC Comics gave the world a sick St. Nick. The original comic plays like a morbid joke with a killer punchline. Amicus imbued it with ethereal dread. Under the direction of Robert Zemeckis (an executive producer for the entire series), this rendition is an over-the-top mini-slasher that delivers yuks and yucks in equal measure. Larry Drake’s giggling madman of a Santa is joyfully hideous, and Mary Ellen Trainor’s scream at the end (suggested by original EC mastermind William Gaines) is Hall of Fame-worthy. As one of the first three episodes, it really sets the tone for the rest of the stories. You better watch out…
- “The Ventriloquist’s Dummy” (Based on Tales from the Crypt #28)
Admittedly, some “Tales from the Crypt” episodes are a little predictable. These are 30-minute adaptations of 5-page comics, so certain elements have to be stretched out. Unfortunately, that sometimes gives the viewer enough time to deduce the twist. But make no mistake: “The Ventriloquist’s Dummy” is not what you think it is. Demented dummies are a gas, though this one takes it to a whole new level. One second, it’s “Magic” with Anthony Hopkins. Next second, it’s “Evil Dead II.” Don Rickles and Bobcat Goldthwait really shine in this shocker that dares to answer this age-old question: Who’s the real dummy?
- “Lower Berth” (Based on Tales from the Crypt #33)
Step right up, folks! Adapted from another well-known EC chiller, “Lower Berth” is a traditional boy-meets-girl romance. In this case, the boy is a two-faced sideshow freak, and the girl is a monstrous mummy. “Tales from the Crypt” loves a sinister carnival setting, and so do I! Unlike most of their other fair fare, “Lower Berth” maintains a mostly serious tone. Serious until the final reveal, that is. I don’t even want to hint at the twist because you will not see it coming. All I’ll say is that it features a cameo from a great horror star.
- “Television Terror” (Based on The Haunt of Fear #17)
For the most part, “Tales…” is a funny show. For all its blood and guts, it tends to lean heavily on camp. Puns, splat-stick comedy, and the like are what drive most episodes. While I wouldn’t call it a humorless episode, “Television Terror” certainly isn’t a laugh riot. In fact, it’s one of the few episodes that earnestly attempts to be scary. And boy, does it succeed! “Trash TV” talk show host Morton Downey Jr. doesn’t play himself… but he basically plays himself. An unscrupulous journalist gives an on-air tour of a haunted house, leading to deadly consequences. Anticipating “Ghostwatch” and “Late Night with the Devil,” “Television Terror” definitely doesn’t skimp on the terror.
- “My Brother’s Keeper” (Based on Shock SuspenStories #16)
For most of its length, “My Brother’s Keeper” plays out more like a quirky comedy than a horrific thriller. It’s a funny little story about conjoined twins who couldn’t be more different. There are clever gags and an overall cartoonish vibe, but it also works as an offbeat drama as well. You get genuinely invested in the two brothers, played to perfection by Timothy Stack (the bookish one) and Jonathan Stark (the sleazy one). Once it gets to the final few minutes, things get really dark. While the very last twist doesn’t quite work for me, most of it is sensational. Plus, Jessica Harper (“Phantom of the Paradise,” “Suspiria”) is in it, which instantly earns it a recommendation.
- “Top Billing” (Based on The Vault of Horror #39)
Acting! Jon Lovitz portrays a struggling actor who would do anything to score the lead in a production of “Hamlet.” Surprisingly, Lovitz plays it straight, even bringing a sort of sadness to the part. Until his inevitable descent into madness, you sorta feel bad for the guy. However, for pure lunacy, the wonderful John Astin steals the show as a flamboyant director who always looks for good bone structure in his performers. This one has about 4 different endings, and they all pack a grisly punch. Alas, poor Lovitz…
- “What’s Cookin'” (Based on The Haunt of Fear #12)
Whenever I try to get someone into “Tales from the Crypt,” this is the first episode I show them. You have brilliant guest stars (Christopher Reeve and Meatloaf), moody cinematography, gnarly gore effects, and a sick sense of humor. In short, it’s sorta the perfect episode. A diner needs fresh supplies and… well, you probably know where this is going. Meatloaf’s part is not unlike his role in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” but that’s a rather tender subject.
- “Death of Some Salesmen” (Based on The Haunt of Fear #15)
Speaking of “Rocky Horror,” Tim Curry, Tim Curry, and Tim Curry star in what may be the grossest (complementary) episode. Ed Begley Jr. is a sleazy salesman who tries to con a family of psychotic hillbillies, all played by Tim Curry. Imagine an Eddie Murphy movie directed by John Waters, and you’ll get something like “Death of Some Salesmen.” Curry was so phenomenal here, he received an Emmy nomination. Yvonne De Carlo (Lily Munster herself) also makes an appearance. That ain’t no lie; it’s salesmanship!
- “Dig That Cat… He’s Real Gone” (Based on The Haunt of Fear #21)
Another of the three episodes that served as the show’s premiere. Joe Pantoliano plays Ulric, a man who dies for a living. After an experiment that gives him the 9 lives of a cat, Ulric the Undying becomes a sideshow sensation by getting killed in front of a paying audience. Of all the episodes on this list, this one feels the most like a comic book. Considering that Richard Donner directed this one, that checks out. “Dig That Cat..” is a stylish horror comedy with an all-timer twist. It creates its own world of fantasy, much like a Tim Burton movie. Robert Wuhl of “Batman” fame even appears as a carny talker. If watching a man die several times makes you feel alive, this one’s for you.
- “The New Arrival” (Based on The Haunt of Fear #25)
“The New Arrival” has two things in common with “Television Terror.” Both are about pompous entertainment personalities doing live shows at a creepy old house. More importantly, they’re both committed to scaring the holy guacamole out of you. David Warner is a pretentious radio psychologist who makes a house call to meet a listener (Zelda Rubinstein) and her weirdo daughter. With one exception (“Yellow,” a critically acclaimed episode I do not dig), all episodes of “Tales…” are a little under 30 minutes long. “The New Arrival” is no exception, yet it feels like an entire 2-hour movie, one that never drags. Relentlessly creepy, this is one you shouldn’t watch with the lights off. On top of that, it features Twiggy (THAT Twiggy) losing her head. Who could ask for anything more?
Honorable Mentions: I truly and sincerely love “Creep Course,” the episode about the nerdy girl and the mummy. While it’s one I constantly go back to, I recognize that it’s far from perfect. “Well-Cooked Hams” features Billy Zane as a hammy magician who steals secrets. Most will find it just okay; I am a sucker for classic stage magic. To me, that makes it a favorite. The aforementioned “Yellow” is probably the “best” episode by conventional standards. It never did anything for me. However, I recommend that new viewers give it a watch after a few of the more traditional tales.
